Vaporware, Powered By Vaporwave

The field is clear and the time is right, for Vaporwave Vaporware AI Solutions.

Have you ever been frustrated when supposedly super whizzy software turns out to be slideware or perhaps I should say vaporware? It’s a nuisance, isn’t it?

But wait… Imagine if there were actually some genuine vaporware companies!

It turns out that there were several, in the UK at least, but there aren’t any right now - allegedly. Here’s what Companies House has to say:

Screenshot of the results of a Companies House advanced search showing companies with the word ‘vaporware’ in their name. There were four, but all are dissolved now - Vaporware Consulting Ltd, Vaporware Records Ltd, Vaporware Solutions Limited and Vaporware Ltd. The screenshot includes a random bit of system status information just under the entry for Vaporware Solutions Limited and the window background is slightly transparent, revealing a hint of what could possibly be hacker centric desktop backgrounds.

So basically, the time is right for some vaporware solutions. Let’s get going, people, the field is clear!

And, in the current era, what better vaporware solutions could there possibly be than Vaporware AI Solutions? It’s like a dream come true.

But we could make this so much better by adding just a smidgen of… vaporwave. Who knows, maybe Vaporwave Vaporware AI Solutions could even be the next big thing? However, FIRST WE WILL NEED A LOGO.

OK, so it’s 2025 and we could just give this job to a generative AI model trained on millions of images generously made freely available on the Internet by their creators. But it’s more fun and significantly less evil to create our own logo.

First we’ll need a picture of a powerful supercomputer:

Photo of a stack of single board computers made by a fruit-centric company not based in California. They are in cases that appear to be made from everyone’s favourite blocky plastic construction toy, stacked one atop another. You can’t see it in the photo, but this is a machine from the dawn of time (2017) known as Wee Archie. Let’s pretend that it is in fact an AI supercomputer.

Then we’ll need a suitably funky font for our company’s name. There are lots of nice websites out there that let you play around with fonts and apply effects. However, many of them want you to pay for stuff you would like to share, re-use or re-mix - so do be sure to check their terms and conditions.

Remember that UK residents can receive unlimited fines and be imprisoned for up to ten years for breach of copyright, which would not be a good thing and could definitely spoil your day. Perhaps the lesson here is to be a corporate person instead of a natural person?

Once we have our company name in a nice and fully street legal font, we can load it and our background into the unfortunately named GNU Image Manipulation Program and start to have some fun. What if we made a few copies of Wee Archie as new layers, offset them slightly, applied a little Linear Burn and the fabulous Colorize effect? Maybe we’d get something a bit like this:

Graphic showing the words Vaporware A.I. Solutions in a vaguely vaporwave font against a pink swirly backing. In the background is our old friend Wee Archie, possibly noodling away incredibly slowly on some early Transformer model, with no clue of the eldritch horrors that await.

But we’re not done yet! Let’s break out the glitchy GIF generator:

Glitchy GIF version of the above image. It is a GIF, and it is glitchy.

And now, just like that, the Vaporwave Vaporware AI Solutions have come into being in our timeline.

The rest is up to you, dear reader.